How To Manipulate God

God made a big mistake! He forgot to fix the universe so that it would keep rotating around us, thus, we get what we want sometimes but most of the time, the universe grows bored with us and runs off to spin around other things, leaving us with crushed hopes and failed plans. What sort of God does that to us? We have a right to get whatever we want. Of course, the universe ought to spin around us, our signatures are etched in the planets and our selfies are posted on the very stars after all! Fortunately, God has a weakness that we can use to our benefit.

God is susceptible to manipulation. I kid you not, we hold the puppet strings. There is a book called the Bible, a book filled with do’s and don’t’s in which God carelessly left detailed instructions to help us emotionally blackmail Him. Sure, some of the stuff is needlessly difficult to do, like owning up to your bad deeds that are everybody’s fault, but quite often, just the sight of you flipping pages and jumping from verse to verse is enough to get Him capitulating to your demands. Seriously, He’s that dumb. Of course, over the years, God’s wizened up a little and after a while, that doesn’t quite work. This brings us to the next point: prayer.

Heaven can get really lonely, especially because God’s anger against sin makes everybody fidgety around Him. God needs our prayers to keep Him company so He will usually give you what you want if you ask for it. No, you aren’t being selfish, you are squeezing precious time out of your busy schedule to talk to Him, you’re doing Him a favour. After all, most people do not make time for Him at all. Surely, He could show a little appreciation.

At times, He can prove stubborn. Be ready to oil His joints with a brief apology for any indiscretions on your part, hinting of course at everybody’s hand in your failure, including God’s for folding His hands and letting it all happen. A detailed list of your good deeds is necessary, just be sure to use large bold type and lots of spacing so it fills the page. Make lots of favourable comparisons between yourself and Jesus so He will be well pleased with you too. Throw in those Biblical promises for good measure (who cares if they were made to groups of people) but if all else fails, go on a hunger strike. That is the Smackdown! A hunger strike filled with good deeds (like tithe and offering) is irresistible, it ties his hands while you rob His storehouse.

A word of warning. The Bible can seriously alter your ambitions. Read responsibly. Taking the Bible seriously as a whole can warp your understanding (just stick to compiling verses that make you look good). Your belief in the fundamental infallibility of humanity will be shaken by the sight of a whole camp twerking around a golden calf just four weeks after swearing allegiance to the God whose cloud still thunders on the mountain in the background and whose manna fills their bellies. Story after harrowing story will display the hopelessness of the human condition but a simultaneous thought will start off as a whisper, growing into a shrill shout: God is always faithful, His commitment to fixing things and people remains undiminished. Spend enough time doing that and the stories of Jesus will knock you out.

A quiet voice will begin speaking to you before long, encouraging you to be like Jesus, to forget about your pet projects and start being nice to people. Spend enough time giving in to that voice and alas, you are done for! You will find yourself too busy orbiting God to care about the universe revolving around you. You’ll misuse prayer, eagerly chatting with Him about all that’s dear. Instead of hiding selfish desires behind “God bless mummy and daddy,” you will be unafraid to open yourself up to Him, pleading with Him to take away the bad parts and infuse you with His goodness. Instead of a rock hard mindset, you will have a new one, “a heart of flesh.”

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